*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.