everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Sorry, Babe, it’s over.
*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek