Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive


Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.


A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan


Sorry, Babe, it’s over.

*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.


[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest


My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek