Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

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Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭


*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
“This isn’t over”


1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage


A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.


I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.


Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.


We’ll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We’ll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.