Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I think we should hear other voices.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.