A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!