@sonictyrant

ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

SHERIFF: can i help you, son?

ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?

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@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@murrman5

use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
hello
Im in something called pizza jail

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@KenJennings

Nice job, whoever chose the word “monosyllabic” for that.

@dumbbeezie

I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you

@NickBossRoss

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot