Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“and how does that make you feel?”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.