Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
tis the season
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
for all #parents out there
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.