People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”