@phanohmiya

me (a ghost): i am haunting you because i had unfinished businesssssssssssss

my roommate: i already deleted your browser history

me: my spirit is finally freeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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@JimmerThatisAll

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@NikiWithIssues

Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

@Tmoney68

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

@drinksmcgee

I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.