me (a ghost): i am haunting you because i had unfinished businesssssssssssss

my roommate: i already deleted your browser history

me: my spirit is finally freeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me


[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond


Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”


I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now


Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.


Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]


If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”


[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.


I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.