Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬