Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet