@fro_vo

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

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@not_thenanny

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

@Malocallidus

What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

@GrantTanaka

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

@drinksmcgee

Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
M: ….