Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor
Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
my feed is like:
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
we are gonna die
(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?