@fro_vo

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

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@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

@IfIwassomething

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

@Fulkery1

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

@TheDeducers

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

@vandroidhelsing

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?