It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?
I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?