ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
What is going on? 😅
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
cause of death:
autopsy.