Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?