@junejuly12

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

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@Token_Geezer

You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@TheAlexNevil

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

@funflaps

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@KatieBurnett

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

@several_sins

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.