@refreshingslurp

Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin

You Might Also Like

@PoonWhisperer1

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

@GrowlyGrego

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

@DanaSchwartzzz

If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.

@jackiembouvier

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@lipstck_junkie

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

@brownbear952

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.