Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin

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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”


[at dentist office]

Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first


Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.


I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.


He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection


I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.


Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING


June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”