*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.