This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets
Him: no seriously where is my insulin
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Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.