me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I support this random dude and all his protests