Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
🤔😂😂
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.