ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.