Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Bed should get ready for ME
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Quadruple digit IQ
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U