me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man