me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.


Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.


911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”


*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair


In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.


“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”


them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?


jus found out the B in lgtbq+ stands for Bisexual & not Bible … losing hope in humanity .. but i still feel safe knowing the L stands for Lord .. the G .. for God .. the T for The catholic church .. and the Q for Quality time praying


One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.