Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
jus found out the B in lgtbq+ stands for Bisexual & not Bible … losing hope in humanity .. but i still feel safe knowing the L stands for Lord .. the G .. for God .. the T for The catholic church .. and the Q for Quality time praying
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.