ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When you kidnap a writer.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger