@FredTaming

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

- @FredTaming

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@good2go013

How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.

Ta Da !

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@shariv67

I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.

@aka_fatman

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

@pixelatedboat

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@Darlainky

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

@AlsBoy

The longer you look at this the better it gets