me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.