ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice

BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth

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Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.


My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”


How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.


At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave


To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …


I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.


[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up


phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget