I may be ugly but I used to be uglier
ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
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Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.
So what if it was the wrong song?
There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”
How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget