[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
technically true but not a great slogan
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.