Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
So, can we agree on 4 or
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I am HOWLING at this
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️