Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Love is in the air fryer.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
uncle dave has been through hell
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.