me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying