A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
We found love in a hopeless place.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!