Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.