@GrantTanaka

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

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@AccidentalCISO

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

@Bizarro_Mark

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@Gupton68

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@Scdavis24

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.

@Reverend_Scott

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

@shutupmikeginn

[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.