me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Good morning!
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Proctology is located in A55
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic