me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Not my job 😂
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.