I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
best first i’ve ever seen
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.