I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
(Kid’s Bday Party)
Kid: Who are you?
I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!
K: *puts cake down, runs away crying
*eats his cake
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.