Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.