@TheWoodenslurpy

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

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@JayElem00

I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

@ThaJawn

(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

@saltymermaident

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

@Buffalojilll

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???