@TheWoodenslurpy

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

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@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

@FredTaming

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.