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@TheWoodenslurpy: Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I'M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
@DaddyJew: Jesus:*turns water into wine
Guy: thanks but I'm in AA, I'll just have the water
J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward
@jeff_ratfamily: I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving
@IntrepidDeviant: You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
@birbigs: My rap name is "NO PLANZ."
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can't get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.