I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.