me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.