Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.