[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
the rocks need my help
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.