@_ElvishPresley_

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

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@panmidwest

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

@fro_vo

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

@awkwardphilippe

[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?

@Jake_Vig

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

@maliagif

boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s