Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.