me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.