@markedly

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

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@punmagnate

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@jmspool

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

@OakHill_

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

@snowmedia

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@ddsmidt

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.