Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours