Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I hate everything
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print