@murrman5

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

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@bestestname

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

@capnwatsisname

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@PhilJamesson

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@LizHackett

Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

@UnFitz

“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).