[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.


Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates


I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..


Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.


her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.


It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.


Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.


“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.


Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.


My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).