Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher