[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me