Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

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doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics

me: oh i don’t think i can afford that

doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options

me: ah, yes. amateur biotics


Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.


My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!


snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this


The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?


After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.


Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.