Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk