@professorkiosk

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

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@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@rebrafsim

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

@HatfieldAnne

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

@3sunzzz

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

@CanadianBeave13

Twitter Friend: You get yourself a TC yet?

Me: Sure did, this morning in fact.

TF: Oh ya? And..??

M: Awesome. Hit the spot. Strong, extra large. I swallowed it all in one gulp.

TF: Shut up! What’s his @ ?

Me: …We aren’t talking about Timmies Coffee are we?

@EndhooS

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way