me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

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*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–



Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first


When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.


Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…


Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.


Twitter Friend: You get yourself a TC yet?

Me: Sure did, this morning in fact.

TF: Oh ya? And..??

M: Awesome. Hit the spot. Strong, extra large. I swallowed it all in one gulp.

TF: Shut up! What’s his @ ?

Me: …We aren’t talking about Timmies Coffee are we?


Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way