Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
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Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
🙂🐾
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of