Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.