Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
crochet youtube is brutal
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers