Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

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*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*


People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.


The How I Met Your Mother series will end tonight & everyone is thinking the same thing…if only it were The Big Bang Theory instead.


FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5


What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.


No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.


Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”


Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”