@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

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@carlinspace

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

@mom_ontherocks

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

@SatansTongue

(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
Macbeth wtf!!
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@Spaziotwat

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

@LostCatDog

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@TheAlexP

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

@AnOrangeSNES

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?