Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?