Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.