Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
You Might Also Like
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?